The blob....

Lesson of the day: stretchy pants. Buy them in bulk. Trust me, because beginning earlier than all those supermodels on TV tell you, you will need them.

I know I'm not "fat," but before my pregnancy, I had put on a few extra pounds being all in love and everything. I read my baby books. I read magazines. I Googled. I knew what to be prepared for. I thought.

When my size 12 jeans got too tight, I bought a size 14. I hate even thinking that out loud. Problem with that, was that I could only button them for about a week, then they became too tight, and by tight, I mean the waist was tight, while the butt and legs looked like I had worn them, jumped in a river and worn them til they dried. In my younger days I called it "poo-butt." That's when you wear jeans that sag in the back like you just, you know....messed in them. Most men continue to have this jean affliction.

Luckily, another instructor at work had just given me some of her old maternity clothing. I sorted through and picked out one or two items that were appropriate for the fiery furnace of S. Louisiana in the summer. One item was a pair of maternity panel pants.

The panel. Sigh. I never looked forward to wearing maternity clothes. When I was 17, and I used to dream of having a child, I imagined myself as that pregnant girl (who only had one child, a boy and not til she was 30) who never wore maternity clothes. I would see these women walking around in the maternity tents and burkas and wondered why they felt the need to cover up so much. I know now the reasons behind it....and I will get to that later.

Ok, so, the panel. I shop online. I like to shop online. They have a bigger selection and you don't have to actually GO to the stores and sift through the mess that those inconsiderate, ignorant, filthy people leave behind. I will not try on something that I can visibly tell another person has put on their bodies. Brown marks and deodorant stains are the common tells. Really, I would rather buy it online, wait the 7-10 days and just try it on - for the first time - in the privacy of my own home, with my own flattering lighting.

And now, with these "changes" happening to my body, the last thing I want to do is try on maternity clothes that some other sweaty, leaking mother put on her sweaty, leaking body before me.

Oh yeah, the panel. The first time I tried on a pair of panel pants, I actually was quite comfortable. The panel kept my pants up so that the back never went that poo-butt route. I didn't have to worry about waist bands cutting into my flesh when I sat down and I have the perfect excuse for not having to continuously suck in my tummy anymore. Frankly, I was in love.

I could buy stores out of their panel pants, for the rest of my life! I was so impressed with how flattering they were and how versatile. Did you know there are THREE different types of panels? I didn't either!!

Its an amazing adventure shopping for maternity clothes. You kind of feel like an adrenaline junkie, shopping for the next parachute you will use to jump out of that plane. You know why? Because that's what most of the maternity shirts out there look like. Tshirt shaped parachutes. I could save your life if you and I got into a plane crash tomorrow.

Along with clothes fitting a bit differently, other odd behaviors start to happen. Mainly from other people. As soon as you get a bit of a belly, people that you may have preferred never to touch you - ever - begin to Buddha rub your belly. I didn't like it before I got knocked up, and I certainly don't like it now. Keep your hands off of my stomach! They also enjoy letting you know how BIG you're getting. "Wow, you sure are BIG for only 4 months!"

What they don't know, is that it's gas. Terrible, painful gas and indigestion. I had indigestion so badly that my stomach would swell to skin-stretching proportions. My skin over my stomach was sensitive to touch. I was so uncomfortable. And, as a pregnant woman, you can't just take the drugs you would normally take when you're not pregnant, so I was forced to wait for a return phone call from my OB's nurse. Do the math, I waited ALL DAY. Luckily, at this stage in my pregnancy, Prilosec is ok. So, along with my vitamin, I take a Prilosec every morning. And, now I look like a regular 4 month pregnancy and not like I'm smuggling a little person under my parachute shirt.

The parachute shirts aren't flattering. They make your hips look huge and the rest of you is kind of shapeless under there, but I think I've figured a decent reason for the extra roominess, and it has nothing to do with the size of your belly.

If you've ever been to S. Louisiana in the summer, you know how hot it is. It's just June and already, with humidity and the heat index it's getting closer and closer to 100 degrees. As a pregnant woman, it takes a lot of effort just to get off the couch. Imagine adding thick, hot air you can wade through to that, and you've got huffing and puffing. And sweat. Hormones, extra weight and a gradually increasing circulatory system, with a gradually lessening thoracic cavity....it's an ugly combination that makes 90 degrees feel like the fires of Hell and your toes and fingers swell like little sausages. And raises your blood pressure. And ruins your hair. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, yes, I've figured it out, and will accept my parachute shirts a little bit more. Our burka shaped maternity clothes are to allow for air circulation! That's the only way we could make it. In the words of my Nurse Practitioner, Andre', "Girl, stay in the air conditioning. They made it for pregnant women."