Tuesday

Today was an important day.

Today, Maggie and I ventured out of the house.

The original plan was to go to the store. We were running low on formula and diapers and other things that aren't as important - like food for Mommy and Daddy. Well, I decided to stop by my place of employment on hiatus, Blue Cliff.

It was an unannounced visit. I think those kinds might be for the best right now, until I know I can promise to be somewhere and not have some crushing bout with anxiety and stay stuck to the couch. Well, it takes a cold front to get me moving, I guess.

So, somehow, everything works out. She's fed, comfortable, wrapped in multiple Eskimo-worthy layers and we're out the door!

I also decided to use a carrier for the first time. The car seat/carrier thingy that comes in and out of the car and is used on the stroller weighs a ton. I am interested in lean and tone arms, but I'm also interested in not dropping my child out of exhaustion. Well, wouldn't you know! That worked out too. Maggie was so comfortable in her carrier that she immediately dropped a deuce. (Pooped.) So, she met some of my co-workers (and new adoring fans) smelling like a poop. I don't think anyone minded.

Well, my plan to stay 10 minutes (stupid plan) turned into close to an hour and a half. It was really nice to catch up with some of them and have a conversation with an adult during day light hours.

After we left Blue Cliff, we headed over to Wal Mart. I re-strapped her into the carrier, where she immediately fell into a deep coma-worthy sleep and I shopped for our needs with little worries. I did worry that she was suffocating herself against my sweat-shirt, so I kept a constant vigil on the position of her head. I got everything we needed, except formula. They didn't have the specific one she likes, and from our experience last week with formula experimentation - you don't change what isn't broke!

Today, I was determined to change some things. I had a mini-meltdown last night - fueled by sleepiness and frustration. I had an epiphany of sorts:

I want to give anyone who is about to have a baby, or who is thinking of having a baby some advice. DON'T READ.

I spent my pregnancy reading and reading. I consumed baby manuals like air. Google and I were communicating telepathically. It's like we were one, I used it so much.

I planned on solely breast feeding, subscribed to the church of attachment parenting and thought about Dr. Sears on a daily basis. I bought cloth diapers and slings and carriers and wraps. I was NEVER going to give my baby a pacifier or let her sleep anywhere but on me or her bed.

NONE of those things have come true. Instead of behaving like she came with a manual, Maggie has been her own, individual, unique baby. Wow, who'd a thunk it??

Because of my initial consumption of knowledge, when things didn't turn out like I planned - like using a pacifier or letting her sleep in the stroller - instead of going with the flow, I felt like a failure. I was allowing compromises in my planning to allow Maggie to happier and more comfortable, but wasn't allowing those compromises any room in my mind. I was blaming myself for things not panning out like the books, magazines, articles and whatever else said they should.

Now, that's the key word - SHOULD. It's really a poisonous word. Nothing about a newborn SHOULD be. Let's make the obvious exceptions of general health and well-being like weight gain and appetite and things like that.

Everything else may fit into the category of "SHOULD" but that "SHOULD" is only for YOUR baby.

I was looking forward to many things. And one main thing was - and is - breast feeding. My milk is at a current state of "trickle." At this point there is no discernible change when I get some. I did do some research, and it could be because of my hypothyroidism and the fact that a new baby and new routines have led me to not take my meds appropriately. I made an appointment with my endocrinologist and will find out if there is a possibility of building my supply back up. And, if there isn't, I need to let go of the rigid thoughts that breast fed babies are the only healthy babies out there and continue to formula feed. The rigidity of my thoughts are killing my buzz.

We also got cloth diapers. I still plan on using those diapers, but I will begin to use them after she's no longer a "newborn" and is peeing less than 250 times a day. I still have yet to make a judgement call here.

I got a couple of messages after my last posting, and I'm sorry that I didn't respond to any of them. I will here:

Reglan - as far as I can tell from what my OB has told me - is no longer prescribed by responsible doctors because of the side-effects and "bad press" it was getting. I haven't tried any thing herbal yet, but plan on it.

I will always be open to suggestions and advice. So, if you are a mom and are willing to offer it, I'll always have one ear open to it. BUT - my new mantra is this (and I hope that if anyone reads this, may consider it too):

A baby changes your life. Your perspective. Your attitude. Your responsibility is to make sure this baby's life is happy, healthy and good. Don't let your rigidity force your baby to suffer. Don't let your rigidity force you to suffer. Stay flexible and you will stay happy.

So, here I am - a hypochondriac at heart, changing my belief system to accommodate Maggie. I have to. If I didn't, we'd all be unhappy.

Anyway, here's to a successful outing today, and many more to come! Here's to sleeping in the stroller and pacifiers!! Here's to disposable diapers! Here's to newborn formula!

None of it is what I expected, and even though it isn't, I still love every minute.