The Little Playmate...

Being that it's been 3 months since my last post, I figured I should go ahead and write another one!

As I'm sure you can guess, many many many things have happened since then. It's very hard to believe how quickly time flies!

The last post was so cheery, it really masked the realities of that time for us. We were all very happy, but very concerned about Maggie. The worry really culminated on our trip to Lafayette. We still hadn't figured out the cause for her vomiting. I hated to see her do it, but it was a relief that my Mom could be there to witness it.

I'm glad she did, because she's the one who saved our lives that trip! She suggested we try a different feeding method. We were using Dr. Brown's bottles. Some sort of fancy "no air" bottles. Well, Maggie really wasn't very good at sucking on those tiny nipples, so she would swallow air the entire time she was eating! Then, when her tummy had all that air in it, she'd get hiccups, swallowing more air! So, with all the pressure on her little gut, where do you think the freshly drank formula would go?? Yep, you guess it...all over the things within a 3 foot radius of her at the time. Well, Mimi went out and got some old fashioned Playtex drop ins that week, and we haven't had a projectile vomit since.

In fact, Maggie has been happier and happier.

I wasn't so lucky. The first 2 months of her life frazzled me. I was in a place I couldn't get out of by myself. The constant worry and lack of sleep left me exhausted, depressed and unhappy. To top it off, Maggie got sick, then I got sick.

It was terrible to see her with her first cold and cough! She had to sleep elevated, so for about 6 weeks after that, she slept in her bouncy seat, and I slept on the couch. We really only had to do it for like 8 days, but she was sleeping so good and was right in eye, ear and arms reach of me. I was satisfied with that.

I wasn't satisfied with my feelings, though. I was tired of being a mess!! I spoke to my doctor, and after bunches of huffing and puffing and justifications, I filled a script for an antidepressant.

Within 2 weeks, I felt brand new. I think that Maggie being healthy and smiling regularly at me didn't hurt much either. :)

I'm glad I did it. I didn't realize how isolated I truly felt here until I took a good, hard look at it. Not having any outlets or family or friends really is difficult when you have a new baby. It's a double edged sword to have a baby, and then feel depressed about it. Its a cycle that starts up....you feel sad and lonely, but then guilty because Motherhood is the best, right??

Well, I know that if I lived in an area where I had a strong support system at my fingertips, I would have been better equipped to handle the strong feelings of being overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, I HAVE friends and I HAVE a strong support system, I just don't live around the corner from them. 2 hours is an abyss when you can't leave your house.

Anyway....the pills are still working their magic. haha. I feel GREAT! Almost like my old self again.

Speaking of my old self; I know that person is gone. I may have lamented briefly the loss of her. But, really...it has been a relief. A baby is a good excuse to grow up. I think I may have needed one. I enjoy the clarity of full night's sleep (yes, I'm getting it now!!). I enjoy the small pleasures of sunny days and walks in my neighborhood. Life has slowed down, but it is so much cooler now.

There are things I miss about my old self, but it's not the person I once was, it is the people I once knew.

Now, I still know these people. We're still friends on Facebook and try to make plans to see each other when I'm in Lafayette. But, it's not like it was before. I am a mom now. I can't pick up and go party for the weekend in town. I can barely go to dinner. And, I certainly can't enjoy a few drinks and stay up all night talking these days. But, that's the nature of having a bunch of childless friends. I have to say No a lot, and then people stop asking. Such is life. When I'm available to start those things again, they'll be taking the trip down Motherhood drive. haha. But, they aren't solely to blame. I'm not making any phone calls these days either.
So, if you're reading this and you think I'm talking about you....call me. I miss you.



My computer died a couple of days ago, so unfortunately I don't have too many new pictures of Maggie. Here are some relatively recent ones. Just a few days old...









She's been a developmental pro these last few weeks. She's really great at tummy time. She grabs her right foot with her right hand every chance she gets. she LOVES bouncing in the bouncer. She laughed Monday, but I haven't been able to get her to do it since. I'm trying REALLY HARD, though.

She's so sweet. There will be another blog soon, when I get my computer back up and running.

In the meantime, you should also go check out my youtube page for very recent and regularly updated videos of Maggie being super adorbs!!

Holiday cheer...

The last two weeks have been so crazy! Holidays have a way of making you totally crazy and totally worn out.

We had several firsts. Her first Christmas, her first road trips and meeting some family.

I had so much anxiety about the road trips. I am pretty comfortable putting her in the car and going to run an errand. I still have some anxiety about everyone else on the road, but I know that I am doing everything right. Gah help anyone who would hit my car with my baby inside it. I would go all Mama Bear on their asses! I literally imagine mauling faces.

Bringing her around town is one thing, but rocketing down the road at 70 miles an hour is much different in its own way. In town, the percentage of car-missiles are higher, but they aren't flying at death speeds. On the highway, there's also truck-missiles and bigwheel-missiles flying at death speeds.

I was so nervous. I took much of my anxiety out on my poor husband, nit-picking his every move for a few days. Then, the day before Xmas Eve, I shut completely down, like my mind was in denial that anything was going to happen. I guess it had become too much.

On Friday, xmas eve, Mike and I had a very relaxed day, up until having to get ready for the trip over to Morgan City. We were scheduled to go to his Aunt Brenda's, Uncle Paul's and then to his parents for presents. We managed all of it. Maggie was an angel during all of it. I mean, she's unaware that she's rocketing down the highway. She's pretty unaware that she's doing anything. I know that she knew she wasn't home, but she didn't seem to mind. She got to meet LOTS of new people and hang out with some of her biggest fans (Abba, Pawpaw and bisAbuela).

We got home late, around 11:30. I was ready to leave. Mama Bear was very close to coming out of hibernation.

On Saturday, after presents, I was leaving to stay a few days with my Mom in Lafayette. I realized that morning how unprepared I was to bring Maggie anywhere for that many days. I wanted to leave at 10, but we didn't leave til 12:00 noon. I had to pack everything we use at home to make us comfortable. I used 2 suitcases and every inch of available space in my car, and some of Mike's truck. When we got there, everyone laughed at the amount of stuff and that Maggie filled the entire large suitcase from the set. For a person that can't do much, she sure needs some stuff!
The Lafayette trip was less hectic than the Morgan City trip. Saturday, we spent with my mom. Sunday, we went to my Mema & Pepa's. My Dad's parents hadn't met Maggie yet. I was very excited for them to see her, since she looks so much like I did when I was a baby. Another little Reed baby.

I was pretty exhausted Sunday, and I think the traveling was getting to Maggie, because she wasn't really herself. She was still a good baby and got a good passing around, but when it was time to go, it was time to go.

Monday, we didn't do anything. Just relaxed with Mimi. Nanny came by to see her and even Sara! She got to sleep on Nanny's chest and made all babies everywhere very jealous.

Tuesday, she got to meet Aunty Claire and I got a beautiful, very unique locket necklace from her to put pictures of my sweet girls in. Then, we left.

We had a great time, but it was nice to get home to our smells and routines.

Thursday before Christmas, Mike's sister Jessie (Tattie to Isabella and Maggie) came and spent the night. I hadn't had anything to drink since the weekend before the weekend before we found out we were pregnant, and thought that I wanted a cocktail.

I had seen Tony Bordain (<3) drink a rum punch on his Monday night episode of No Reservations and wanted one. Jess and I head over to the store, and we buy a premixed version from Malibu Coconut Rum. I saw that it had 15% alcohol in it, and didn't really think much of it.

I had one condition to having a little drink. If I was going to have a drink, Mike couldn't. I wanted to make sure that at least one of us was completely lucid for her. Mike agreed because he's awesome.

We got home and poured ourselves some drinks. It was TERRIBLE! We added some orange juice and it made it tolerable, but I'd be lying if I said that after about 1/4 of it, I was giggly and silly. I haven't been that silly since I tasted my first Bartles & James wine cooler. For the purposes of Mom-sanity, I'll leave out the age at which that happened.

Well, I was happy. Giddy. We watched crap TV and laughed about stuff. After my first drink, I made another. I felt pretty buzzed. Before I started that second drink, I looked over at my husband holding my sweet baby girl and I got a little emotional. Then, a little emotional turned ALOT emotional. I realized that after 6 weeks of her life, for the first time, I felt like I couldn't hold her if I wanted to. I felt guilty. I felt lonely. I felt HORRIBLE. I don't know if I need to say this, but I didn't have anything else to drink after that. I vowed to never drink again. Then, I went to bed, depressed.

For NYE, I will say that I had 2 glasses of champagne over the course of about 3 hours, and got very relaxed, but just enjoyed it.

I think something changed for me that night of the Rum Punch. I knew that I would never drink like I did before Maggie ever again. Life has a new meaning now, and she is it. Mama Bear on alcohol is just not a good combo.

I haven't uploaded any pictures from the holidays yet, I will soon. Maybe tomorrow, if you're lucky!

Maggie is 2 months old today, the first day of 2011. Best New Years Day I've ever had.

Continue if you dare....

I've been contemplating writing this for a while. It's not bad, it's probably just a bit of TMI.

It is mainly about bodily functions, so I would imagine if you are a person who is not in the same situation as me, you may not want to continue from here. IF you are a person who is not going to read past this point, here's a picture to make your trip worthwhile.



If you're still here, cool. Let's get into it. I'm all in to full disclosure, and I kind of wish that I had known about a couple of these things.

So, first. Immediately after Maggie was born, my nurse put a catheter in my bladder to drain it. I'm still not sure why she did this, except to put a cherry on top of the onslaught of vaginal trauma that is childbirth. I mean, I didn't have an epidural. I was capable of walking just 10 minutes later. After she drained my bladder, she was all braggy about the amount of urine I had in there. She even made a BIG DEAL about it to my OB. I got a bladder infection the next week and I blame that! That was a whole other story. Short and sweet: antibiotics gave me what I thought was a stomach virus and I spent 36 hours away from my baby.

The next thing is the episiotomy. The bane of childbirth. My Achilles heel. My doc "gave me the extra room" during the delivery. I was pushing out an eight pound baby with a head the size of a pumpkin, so at the time I didn't mind. After Doc stitched me up (which took an inordinate amount of time), a nurse came and gave me an icy-cold diaper to put on my hoohah. It was amazing. The next day, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My whole body was sore. Now, usually, when my entire body is sore from my twice yearly attempt at "getting in shape" I don't have to even think about my private parts. This was different because my vaginal area was the sore-est part of my body. I was given prescription strength Ibuprofen every 12 hours, even though I needed after 8. I also was given these pad shaped ice packs to sit on intermittently. They were heaven. (Later, when we were in the hospital with Maggie, I continued to ask for these, even though the nurse told me that they were useless after 12 hours.) She was not smart. It was still heaven. When I was discharged, I was still very sore down there. I didn't know what to expect. I knew how to clean it (squirt bottle...lala) but I didn't know if it was first, second or third degree and I certainly didn't know it would take much longer to totally heal that I figured. (At this moment, 6 weeks later, I'm still not "normal.") Boy, did the whole episiotomy suck hard. TAKE THE SITZ BATHS AND USE WITCH HAZEL PADS. I didn't know about them until later, and I really could have used them.

To say something good about the episiotomy, or at least my doctor, is that I can't see it. I don't know where it is. I can feel it, but not see it. It's weird. But, I'm glad I'm not deformed. I never thought about the aesthetic aspect of my genitalia...but, I wouldn't want it to look different than it ever had, you know?

Another thing that I experienced with my private parts was something that I had NEVER heard of, but feel the need to tell you about is the clitoral bruising. What is that, you say?? When you deliver a baby, your entire vagina gets traumatized, even your clitoris, which you would think isn't even in the way. Well, it's still there, and it's still connected to the rest of it. For weeks, I would have this weird ache. It would hurt more if I stayed still, especially sitting still, for a while and then got up. I thought it was my abdominal muscle attachments on the pubic bone, but I was wrong. I am only sharing this so that the rest of you ladies delivering babies will also know what the hell is happening. I am very glad that that side-effect has faded away.

When we finally got to go home, I was a mess. I was a mess in the hospital, but it multiplied when we got home. I should explain, because I was personally a mess from lack of sleep and my vagina was constantly reminding me of its trauma, but I was also a mess because I worried about Maggie constantly.

I was so paranoid. I was convinced that if I put her down, she would choke on her spit up and die. I held her so much that her head is misshapen because of it. I'm serious. Last week I noticed that the right side of her head was flat just behind her ear. So, instead of getting a flat head from laying on her back alone too much, I loved her so much that I flattened her head. Now, I have to make a concentrated effort to hold her differently so that her head will go back to normal. Thankfully, it will. It's kind of funny after you get over the ridiculousness of it.

My paranoia is much better. I am no longer convinced that she will die if I put her down, so we're working on getting her to sleep in her bed, which is right next to my side of the bed, so I can look at her if I want to. Which I do, even if she makes the slightest movement. I have not slept more than 4 hours at a time in 6 weeks, and that 4 hour luxury just started last week!!

Despite all of my worrying, she's just doing what she should. Growing. She's soo much bigger than she was when she was born. My neck muscles are tight enough to prove it. I have tension headaches and referred pain into my shoulders and my thumbs (at the carpometacarpal articulation) still have this weird tendonitis type pain. I'm falling apart. LOL. Of course, I wouldn't change it for the world. I just have to look at her sweet, adorable, lovely face and I'm completely in love all over again. Even if she's crying, I still look at her and feel this draw to her. A pull that starts at my heart and doesn't end. She's my little baby. My lovebug. My perfect little sweetheart.

The very last thing that I want to laugh at and talk about is just being a mom taking care of a newborn. From the beginning, it's like my body started functioning different. And, by different, I mean it shuts down. If Maggie is sleeping on me, I can sit still for hours and never have to pee or eat. My days consist of deciphering the Navajo code that is figuring out what she wants every day. Which changes daily. So, after I've exhausted all of the things that have previously worked, I have to start trying new stuff. But, it has gotten easier and I find that I am getting better at just knowing what she wants. I did read about something that has proven to be a very very good helper at calming her down: The 5 S's. Swaddling, side or stomach, shhhing, sucking and swinging. Google it.

Well, I did say that the last thing was the last thing, but it's not...I also want to talk about acid reflux. Your baby has it. My baby has it. Most babies do. THEY DO NOT NEED MEDICINE. Well, some babies do. But, trust your gut and don't give them drugs just because your doc says so. It's still your baby and you have the final say so.

Anyway. That's it for now. I hope that maybe some thing or things that I have said may help you in some way, down the road or now, or you can throw it all out the window.

Happy babying!!

Picture post and other stuff...

There's been a lot happening, with Maggie's development and growth. She's getting really big! Getting little rolls on her legs and arms. Her cheeks keep growing....hopefully that doesn't delay her head control. haha

Time is going by so quickly. Most days seem like blurs filled with diapers, bottles, cries (sometimes, me), laughs (me) and brief naps (me).

Maggie still has her days and nights confused, which is taking its toll on Mommy and Daddy, but...she'll grow out of that eventually. She's still so small...she doesn't care much about what time it is or whether it's daylight or night. Newborns really don't care about much at all, except eating and sleeping.

Recently, she's been smiling while awake. That's a big big big morale boost for me. I worry all the time if her brain is developing like it should. (Yes, that's true.) I worry if I'm stimulating her enough, getting those little neurons to fire. There's a large part of every day that Maggie spends crying. She's a little colicky. So, when she's sleeping, I feel relief. But, I also feel like she's sleeping too much and missing out on important developmental stimuli.

I know most of my worrying is for naught - hehe, I always wanted to say that - because right now her brain development is happening mostly on its own, while her physical development takes precedence. But, if I'm not worrying, then I guess I'm just not complete.

It's hard to tell just how much she's grown or changed unless you see pictures from early on until now....I am not going to post old pics of her, just new ones...so, to see the contrast, you will have to go to earlier posts. Or, check out the album Maggie Melissa on my Facebook page. If you don't have a Facebook - get with the times!

Ok, here they are....a bunch of pictures.

Tuesday

Today was an important day.

Today, Maggie and I ventured out of the house.

The original plan was to go to the store. We were running low on formula and diapers and other things that aren't as important - like food for Mommy and Daddy. Well, I decided to stop by my place of employment on hiatus, Blue Cliff.

It was an unannounced visit. I think those kinds might be for the best right now, until I know I can promise to be somewhere and not have some crushing bout with anxiety and stay stuck to the couch. Well, it takes a cold front to get me moving, I guess.

So, somehow, everything works out. She's fed, comfortable, wrapped in multiple Eskimo-worthy layers and we're out the door!

I also decided to use a carrier for the first time. The car seat/carrier thingy that comes in and out of the car and is used on the stroller weighs a ton. I am interested in lean and tone arms, but I'm also interested in not dropping my child out of exhaustion. Well, wouldn't you know! That worked out too. Maggie was so comfortable in her carrier that she immediately dropped a deuce. (Pooped.) So, she met some of my co-workers (and new adoring fans) smelling like a poop. I don't think anyone minded.

Well, my plan to stay 10 minutes (stupid plan) turned into close to an hour and a half. It was really nice to catch up with some of them and have a conversation with an adult during day light hours.

After we left Blue Cliff, we headed over to Wal Mart. I re-strapped her into the carrier, where she immediately fell into a deep coma-worthy sleep and I shopped for our needs with little worries. I did worry that she was suffocating herself against my sweat-shirt, so I kept a constant vigil on the position of her head. I got everything we needed, except formula. They didn't have the specific one she likes, and from our experience last week with formula experimentation - you don't change what isn't broke!

Today, I was determined to change some things. I had a mini-meltdown last night - fueled by sleepiness and frustration. I had an epiphany of sorts:

I want to give anyone who is about to have a baby, or who is thinking of having a baby some advice. DON'T READ.

I spent my pregnancy reading and reading. I consumed baby manuals like air. Google and I were communicating telepathically. It's like we were one, I used it so much.

I planned on solely breast feeding, subscribed to the church of attachment parenting and thought about Dr. Sears on a daily basis. I bought cloth diapers and slings and carriers and wraps. I was NEVER going to give my baby a pacifier or let her sleep anywhere but on me or her bed.

NONE of those things have come true. Instead of behaving like she came with a manual, Maggie has been her own, individual, unique baby. Wow, who'd a thunk it??

Because of my initial consumption of knowledge, when things didn't turn out like I planned - like using a pacifier or letting her sleep in the stroller - instead of going with the flow, I felt like a failure. I was allowing compromises in my planning to allow Maggie to happier and more comfortable, but wasn't allowing those compromises any room in my mind. I was blaming myself for things not panning out like the books, magazines, articles and whatever else said they should.

Now, that's the key word - SHOULD. It's really a poisonous word. Nothing about a newborn SHOULD be. Let's make the obvious exceptions of general health and well-being like weight gain and appetite and things like that.

Everything else may fit into the category of "SHOULD" but that "SHOULD" is only for YOUR baby.

I was looking forward to many things. And one main thing was - and is - breast feeding. My milk is at a current state of "trickle." At this point there is no discernible change when I get some. I did do some research, and it could be because of my hypothyroidism and the fact that a new baby and new routines have led me to not take my meds appropriately. I made an appointment with my endocrinologist and will find out if there is a possibility of building my supply back up. And, if there isn't, I need to let go of the rigid thoughts that breast fed babies are the only healthy babies out there and continue to formula feed. The rigidity of my thoughts are killing my buzz.

We also got cloth diapers. I still plan on using those diapers, but I will begin to use them after she's no longer a "newborn" and is peeing less than 250 times a day. I still have yet to make a judgement call here.

I got a couple of messages after my last posting, and I'm sorry that I didn't respond to any of them. I will here:

Reglan - as far as I can tell from what my OB has told me - is no longer prescribed by responsible doctors because of the side-effects and "bad press" it was getting. I haven't tried any thing herbal yet, but plan on it.

I will always be open to suggestions and advice. So, if you are a mom and are willing to offer it, I'll always have one ear open to it. BUT - my new mantra is this (and I hope that if anyone reads this, may consider it too):

A baby changes your life. Your perspective. Your attitude. Your responsibility is to make sure this baby's life is happy, healthy and good. Don't let your rigidity force your baby to suffer. Don't let your rigidity force you to suffer. Stay flexible and you will stay happy.

So, here I am - a hypochondriac at heart, changing my belief system to accommodate Maggie. I have to. If I didn't, we'd all be unhappy.

Anyway, here's to a successful outing today, and many more to come! Here's to sleeping in the stroller and pacifiers!! Here's to disposable diapers! Here's to newborn formula!

None of it is what I expected, and even though it isn't, I still love every minute.

Part Deux: Bringing Home Baby

In Part 1, I detailed the birth of my Little Maggie. I did actually forget a couple of things....just minor details: during one of my particularly bad contractions, in the flailing of my arms, I knocked Mike's glasses off. And, somehow, during the pushing, my IV popped off and I bled all over the place. Just minor details. :)

So, the delivery is the easy part. It's everything that comes after that's hard.

Seems like pushing an 8 pound kid out of your vagina would be the hardest part, but no such luck. The next couple of days after were basically easy too. Day 3, or Going Home Day, began the challenge.

First of all, for hours and hours after they are born, most babies have no interest in eating. They only have an interest in sleeping, which is good because they are putting themselves in some sort of sleep coma that helps their swelling go down and their alien shaped heads get back to normal. Maggie didn't actually nurse until about 3am the night after she was born. That started it.

I was, and am, very committed to breast feeding. Even through the early days when my nipples looked like beef jerky because Maggie wasn't latching well. I knew that that was part of the drill until both of us got accustomed and acquainted with nursing.

We had her home for a single day when we had to bring her back to the hospital. We tested her bilirubin levels and they were high. Not high enough to cause brain damage, but the doctors didn't want them to get any higher. And - get this - breast fed babies have a more difficult time removing bilirubin from their blood than formula fed babies.

So, for nearly 3 days, my tiny baby had to be separated from me for hours and hours - basically except for feedings - and put into an incubator with blue light to reduce her bili levels. It was very stressful and emotionally draining. It's very hard to see such a tiny person stuck in this plastic box for so long. Especially when that tiny person is your baby. Every day, they had to poke her heel and test her levels and when we admitted into the room, they actually had to draw blood from her tiny arm. It was so hard. Lots of tears were shed those days, all by me. It's really unfair to put an emotionally and hormonally unstable new mother in that situation.

Luckily, after a couple of days, we were able to come home. She was still yellow, but her levels had gone down and the rebound would be easily combatted by her body.

So, we had a second homecoming.

I had continued to breast feed her all throughout this ordeal and into the following week. My mom (Mimi) came Monday and stayed until Thursday. During these few days, Maggie was crying alot, unsatisfied and gassy. I read an article about lactose overload. It made perfect sense to me, that a baby could get only large amounts of foremilk, and not enough hindmilk, which would cause an excessive amount of gas because of the low amounts of fats in the foremilk. I knew this had to be happening to Maggie. So, I tried to slow down and not stress about switching breasts during feedings. It seemed to work.

Breast feeding is a guessing game. I read an entire book and took a class. I also met with a lactation consultant. Nothing really prepared me for the challenges of nursing. No one really tells you how hard it is until you run into problems, then they tell you that while babies have the natural instinct to suck, not all babies know how. And, not all breasts are the same. So, each baby has to get to know its own set, if you know what I mean. When you start having problems is when they tell you that the time it takes to get good at nursing can take days, weeks or months. Or, never.

I was really having a problem with the uncertainty of it. I couldn't tell if she was getting enough. It certainly didn't seem like it. She was always hungry. She cried alot. I was having so much anxiety. I started to dislike breast feeding because of the anxiety it was causing. I was crying at nearly every feeding out of frustration and pain. It was the end of the second week of her life, and she still couldn't latch effectively. Then, late that Friday night, I got sick. I got sick with a stomach virus.

Thankfully, the day before Maggie was born, Mike and I bought a breast pump. I had only used it once before that day, but I was really glad we had it at that point, so that I could pump and stay quarantined away from the rest of the family. Those couple of days pumping and feeding were wonderful. I could literally see how much milk she was getting.

When I felt better, I let her nurse again, and those same feelings of anxiety and fear came back again. I made a decision and talked to her pediatrician about it the next day. I decided to exclusively pump and feed her.

That helped ease my anxiety for a while, but in the beginning, I was pumping over 3 oz per session. And, gradually, it turned into less and less. So much less that, even with her occasionally nursing to try to stimulate my milk, we started supplementing with formula.

I felt - and still feel, sometimes - like a failure. I keep hearing about people who have flawless nursing experiences and wonder if they were truly flawless or, do they just leave out all the difficult, frustrating and hopeless parts??

As of today, I am still pumping every 2 or 3 hours and only getting about an ounce, sometimes a little more each time. So, it will take about 3-4 pumping sessions to make one bottle of breast milk for her. That's not enough.

I know that our bodies are supposed to be these amazing tools and that our bodies "know" when our milk should increase....but HOW? How long does it take for the body to make more? My body is progressively making less. I will continue to give her whatever my body makes for as long as my body makes it. It just seems like I'm going in a different direction than biology here. All the literature I've read tell me that as long as I keep pumping at a regular 2-3 hour interval schedule, that my milk supply should maintain. I have not found that to be true with me. Very frustrating and discouraging.

Despite all of the nursing troubles, life with Maggie has been pretty amazing. Her and I just hang out together all day and I get to notice all of the things that change about her every day. Like her eyelashes growing. And her head getting bigger. Her sounds. She's grown so much. She's getting baths and can almost fit into clothes that aren't newborn sizes. I've taken about 400 pictures of her.

This past Thursday, for Thanksgiving, my mom, Mema, brother and sister-in-law all came and we had lunch together. Maggie got to meet another great grandmother. We had 4 generations here that day. No photographic evidence. We are waiting til Christmas and getting dressed up before we take pictures.

I'm up way too late. Time to get my beauty/momma sleep.

Here's some pictures of my sweet baby girl.

Hey, Maggie!

Well, after nearly three weeks of getting to know my little daughter, I finally feel comfortable enough to put her down for a few minutes to update my blog.

I think this will have to be a Three Part blog, just to cover all the bases from my last posting. I mean, so much has happened. I gave birth to baby, we brought her home. We brought her back to the hospital, and brought her home again. And, since then, we've been getting used to being full time parents to a newborn.

So, I'll start this opus with the delivery. That is the logical beginning to this journey, after the pregnancy, of course.

The basic timeline for my delivery is as follows:
Midnight 11-01-10, arrive at Labor & Delivery
2:30am, pitocin drip is started (let the fun begin!)
7:30am, Doc comes in and breaks water (now, the party's started)
9:30am, ask Nurse Judy (love) for something to take the edge off
12:40pm, begin pushing
1:17pm, Maggie is born!
1:30pm, I meet her
4:30pm, moved to postnatal room
5pm 11-03-10, check out!


Now, don't think I'm going to leave you with such an abbreviated account of that day. That just wouldn't be right. But, at this point, many of the details are a little fuzzy. My natural oxytocin and estrogen and momma hormones have been pumping for just under three weeks, blocking out any unpleasantness. But, not entirely. Some things are still fresh in my mind. Very fresh.

My birth experience didn't happen exactly like I had planned, but I think it came very close. From my previous posts, you should know that I planned a natural childbirth. That came true. I didn't want an episiotomy, but I got one. That's ok...nothing to be sad about. Mike was my "coach" and he hung in there and was the only thing that got me through sometimes. Overall, it was very close to what I had envisioned.

So, I'll start from the beginning. My anxiety levels the day before check in were through the roof. I couldn't sit still. Resting really wasn't an option. So, we went to Target and Walmart and bought some supplies, including a breast pump - which you will find out about more in Part II. I did manage to get a little sleep and at around 11:15pm, I was in the shower, scrubbing my belly with that soap and scrubber they give you. No time for anxiety now.

In fact, at that point, I had reached a certain level of peace. I knew that I was going to delivery a baby and I needed to relax. And I did.

We checked in to a very quiet hospital. They made me change into that lovely gown, took blood and inserted the IV (OUCH, I MEAN, DOUBLE OUCH). I feel asleep. I slept until 2:30 when the nurse came in to start my pitocin drip. I can't remember her name, but she was very nice. Bubbly. I'm glad she was my night nurse and not my delivery nurse. Too bubbly for delivery. Just bubbly enough to wake me up constantly to check my blood pressure and increase the pitocin.

After the pit was started, I felt some cramping, but nothing was uncomfortable enough to keep me awake. So, I slept on and off until about 7. There was a shift change at 7, and Judy came to work. Judy is an older woman. 40 years experience delivering babies. Very friendly, but there was definitely an air of authority and no nonsense about her. She didn't bullshit or mince words. She was perfect.

At 730, Dr. Russell came by to break my water. I forget how many centimeters I was at that point. I think I remember that I hadn't changed much. I think I was about 3. I remember being very disappointed. I thought I'd be like 6 at that point. No such luck. I do remember that breaking my water was no big deal. I didn't even feel wet. I went back to sleep.

It didn't take long from there for my contractions to increase. They were still at levels I could control with breathing, but I knew that I would need to rest more and I was beginning to wonder if that was going to be able to happen.

The pain wasn't something entirely unfamiliar. I had had period cramping that was around the same intensity, but the pitocin magnified everything. By 9:30, I was very uncomfortable. The kind of uncomfortable that made interactions difficult and I had to concentrate very hard on my breathing. I barely have any recollection of visitors. I know my brother got there some time around then. Sorry, Jeremy, but I don't really remember too much from that morning.

Shortly after that is when I asked for something to take the edge off. Judy went and either got someone to give me Stadol or she did. Again, I don't remember the details. I remember Judy told me that the Stadol would be like having a margarita.

It didn't take long to take effect, and honestly, it did nothing to ease the pain of the contractions. I DID, however, knock me completely out. The last thing I remember saying is "I've never had a margarita that made me feel like this."

So, I got my rest. I don't know how long I was out. But, I know that when I was lucid again, everything happened really quickly, but not quickly enough.

The contractions started coming hard and strong and there was no break in between. I was getting desperate. I could feel my hold on sanity slipping and slipping quick. I could control most of my contractions, but only if I could physically emote as well as breathe. Let me explain. If I lost my concentration for even a second, the pain was enough to make me get the urge to jump out of the bed. So, I had this method. It worked 85% of the time. I would inhale with my head back and exhale by throwing my head forward. But, the best method for controlling the urge to run or climb the walls was to combine the head movements with this arm/pull/push thing. I'd grab a big handful of Mike's shirt and inhale by pulling him forward to me, and then exhale and push him away. Poor guy was pretty manhandled by the end of the birth.

It's difficult to organize my thoughts about the entire delivery. I can tell you that so much of it was just like people tell you. The labor is hard. It takes some serious resolve to go through it. I've been through it and I can honestly say that I still don't know what true labor feels like. I had augmented labor. Augmented labor is harder. The contractions are relentless, no breaks. At some point around 8 centimeters, Judy offered the epidural. I thought hard about it. I was nearing the end of my rope. I was shaking. I was tired. I was in some serious discomfort. I had literally said at least twice that I wanted it to be over. That I was ready. But, I still couldn't get over my fear. Even at the end of my rope, I couldn't allow some one to put a needle into my spinal cavity.

Luckily, those last two centimeters went in about 10 minutes. I felt each one. That's one thing about going natural. I was hyper aware of each and every step. I knew that even though I was at the end of my rope and I was shaking, I knew that I was close to the end. I knew that I was in the worst part and that soon, I would be pushing. But, the worst part was really bad. I couldn't sit still, but I couldn't get up. I wanted to push, but couldn't. I wanted to sit up, but it hurt. I wanted to lay down, but it hurt. I wanted to do a lot of things. I was boiling hot. I ripped off my gown. Judy covered my breasts with a towel. I did NOT care if I was butt naked. Nothing mattered at that point but getting that baby out!

The pushing. Wow. It's just like they say. Everything gets better. The contractions practically go away. But, it's hard. For the first few minutes, I couldn't tell if I was making any progress. Then, her head started to pass under my pubic bone. And, I could feel it. It was crazy. There was a lot of pressure. I stalled a little here. It was hard to create the pushing pressure needed to get her out. I couldn't tell if I was pushing in the right place. Judy literally had to put her fingers on my perineum so I could have a goal. But, when it worked, it worked. I could feel her head pass under my pubic bone, and come out. I could also feel my doctor numb up the area. I didn't initially want the episiotomy, but my doc said "I don't want you to tear up by your clitoris" and I didn't protest. I felt him cut me, and she came right out at that point.

I reached down and touched her. Her head looked alien and she was all bloody, but she was amazing looking to me. My little baby. The baby nurse took her at that point and her and daddy went to the other end of the room to weigh and all the other stuff they do to babies after they come out. I got stitched up. I started active labor around 9 am and all was said and done at 1:17pm. Pretty dang quick! And, I slept through so much of it!

The first time I held Maggie, she was wrapped in about 4 blankets and had that little hat on. Literally a little bundle of joy. She didn't want to nurse, just sleep. I was starving. She was exhausted from her journey

Judy told me that I could eat after I got up and peed twice, so I got up and peed both times. I was up and walking very soon after delivery.

Maggie continued to have difficulty getting the hang of breast feeding, but at 3am that night, something clicked and she drank for the first time. I wonder if that's why she's fond of being awake at 3 am now. Ha.

Those hours after she was born are hard for me to remember. I do remember that everyone kept telling me to put her in the plastic baby bed, but I slept with her on my chest the first night, and next to me the next night. I was so nervous to leave her alone. She was so small. Leaving her alone in that plastic box seemed so horrible. So, I didn't. :)

She's still most comfortable passed out on my chest. And, I like it like that.

TO BE CONTINUED....Part II, Bringing Home Baby will come soon!!

Here's pictures of her Birth Day.